From Galveston to Gluttony: A Swank Family Cruise

 

From Galveston to Gluttony: A Swank Family Cruise

Todd Swank's Diary Entry for September 15, 2024

This week, we dove into an adventure—our first cruise in nearly three decades. We flew down to Galveston, Texas, ready to set sail on a 6-night journey aboard the Harmony of the Seas.

Last year, we celebrated my sister Tracy's 60th birthday in Boston. This year, it’s my other sister Tammy’s turn to hit the big 6-0. She’s always dreamed of a cruise, so we set sail to make it happen. Turning milestones into memories—because life’s too short for anything less than an adventure!

Three strong women raised me after my parents divorced when I was in 2nd grade. Our house was a whirlwind of chaos and drama back then and not much has changed when we reunite. Life gets in the way, but we make it a point to come together whenever we can. It’s always an adventure, and some things—like the laughter and the craziness—never change.

Avery had to sit this one out, but Luke eagerly took on the adventure. It was his first cruise and his first time visiting other countries. He was pretty excited—until I started with my classic dad moves. From cheesy tourist photos to animated commentary, I managed to embarrass him across different cultures. Who knew I could be cringeworthy in multiple languages?

We were down a few cousins on this trip, but don’t worry—these four made up for it. They cranked up the fun to "we might get kicked off the ship" levels. Who needs a full crew when you've got these overachievers?

Grandma Linda was hesitant about the cruise, worrying she'd struggle to keep up. We convinced her to rent a scooter, which seemed like a good idea—until we discovered just how chaotic cruise crowds and elevators can be. Let's just say reversing wasn't her strong suit, and there was an "elevator incident" involving some walls, doors, and maybe a few toes. After day one, she ditched the scooter and navigated the ship on foot just fine. Turns out, sometimes you just have to dive in to find your own pace!

The Harmony of the Seas is one of the largest cruise ships in the world, measuring about 1,188 feet long—longer than some skyscrapers are tall! It can carry nearly 6,700 passengers and over 2,300 crew members. Unique features include the Ultimate Abyss, a 10-story slide, Central Park with real plants, and even a zip line. The ship is like a floating city, complete with theaters, multiple pools, an ice rink, and numerous dining options. It's basically a theme park, resort, and luxury hotel all in one.

We scattered during the day but met for dinner in the formal dining hall every night. The food? Top-notch. The wait staff? Clearly convinced we were starving. They kept bringing extra portions. I reminded myself gluttony is a sin... right before ordering seconds. By the end, they practically rolled us off the ship.

The unlimited drink package was our downfall. Every corner had a bar or restaurant, with staff ready to top off your glass—or your waistline. All-inclusive, they said. My stomach's still waving the white flag. Diet starts... tomorrow.

We hit up every show—musicals, comedy, stunt events with diving and high-wire acts, you name it. If it had a stage, we were there. And, of course, we couldn't resist the karaoke bar. My family loves the microphones, even if only a handful of us can carry a tune. Let's just say we made our mark—off-key and proud.

I was all in for their production of Grease, which nailed the movie pretty well. Then I found out my son’s never seen it. I mean, what?  It's a classic!  Growing up, Sandy was basically every young boy's fantasy—sweet and innocent one minute, then bam, she shows up at the end in that black leather outfit, and suddenly she's teaching us all kinds of feelings we weren't ready for. Let’s just say, Grease was more than a movie; it was my awakening.

Columbus, The Musical! blew us away. The set had this giant boat that moved and transformed like it was straight out of Spamalot. Modern songs, flying sharks, and a storyline about Marvin Columbus—Christopher's unlucky, distant cousin. Who knew failing at discovery could be this entertaining? 

The first day crossing the Gulf was a bit choppy—7 to 10-foot waves, thanks to a tropical storm that later upgraded to Hurricane Francine. Sounds dramatic, right? Honestly, it was scarier in my head. This ship's built to handle way worse. Some kind of high-tech balancing system kept us steady. Sure, we felt some motion, but nothing like those YouTube videos of furniture flying across the deck. Grateful ours didn’t turn into that kind of adventure—no need to recreate "Titanic: The Sequel."

We all went our separate ways during the day but somehow managed to end up together every night. Plenty of distractions onboard—bands, parties, you name it. And let’s not forget the ship's professional photographers, lurking around every corner, ready to snap your photo... for a small fortune, of course. But why pay for that when you can guilt-trip a random stranger into doing it for free? It’s called resourcefulness—or so I tell myself.

We did cave and buy a few photos we liked, despite some members of our group treating every pose like a chance to audition for a comedy sketch. I even had to break out my generative AI photo editing skills on this one—but let's just say, some things are better left unmentioned. Let's call it a "creative adjustment" and move on.

Costa Maya was our first of three stops. We hopped off the ship for a couple of hours, ready to explore. But here's the reality: it was scorching hot, and the shopping area felt like running a gauntlet of overly eager salespeople pushing everything from trinkets to tequila. "No, thanks" turned into a broken record. After dodging endless offers for souvenirs we didn’t need, we retreated back to the ship. Sometimes, paradise is best enjoyed from the air-conditioned comfort of a lounge chair with a drink in hand.

Roatán was our second stop, and we paid for an excursion that took us to a resort. But the real experience started on the bus ride through town. It was fascinating to see daily life unfold—the kids in uniforms heading to school, the local shops bustling with morning activity. It wasn't the glossy resort image but an authentic snapshot of island life. It gave us a new perspective; sometimes, the journey is just as intriguing as the destination.

We went on "glass-bottom" kayaks, but let's be honest, the bottom was either scratched up, dirty, or just plain decorative because seeing through it wasn’t happening. Thankfully, the water was crystal clear, so we still caught some awesome sights—colorful fish, sea urchins, and jellyfish drifting by like it was their day off. The best part? A giant cloud of sand that turned out to be a massive stingray. It’s moments like these that remind me why I love the ocean... even if the glass-bottom kayak was more for show than function.

Snorkeling in Roatán was a whole different vibe from Cozumel. In Cozumel, we got the full safety lecture—30 minutes of warnings about currents and the need for Olympic-level swimming skills, which none of us possess. In Roatán, they handed us some questionable life jackets and masks and said, "Jump in." No fuss, no worries. To be fair, the water was shallower, and we could occasionally touch the coral reef (which they kindly asked us not to, but let's just say it was unavoidable). A few bumps and scrapes later, we were up close with the reef. It was like snorkeling on the honor system—just hope for the best and try not to crash into the underwater scenery too much.

On the way back to shore, they took a detour and suddenly "discovered" this massive starfish, which felt suspiciously like plastic. But they swore it was alive, dunking it in the water every few minutes like some weird baptism ritual to keep it "safe." Meanwhile, they passed it around for photo ops. Sure, I’m no marine biologist, but I’ve got to say, it didn't seem all that lively to me. Then again, it’s my first time in Honduras, so maybe I just don't get the local starfish etiquette.

Our third stop was Cozumel, where we got picked up right on the pier for our excursion. But let's talk about the real challenge: the heat. It felt like standing in front of an open oven. I'm from Minnesota, where "hot" means maybe 80 degrees on a bad day. Caribbean hot? That's a different beast. Every day was a race to see if my Hey Dudes sneakers would fuse to the pavement. Spoiler: they nearly did.

We hopped on a catamaran for our snorkeling adventure, and it was incredible. The water was clear, and we saw a ton of amazing fish and coral formations. There were these massive bowl-like structures that looked straight out of a nature documentary. The highlight was spotting a sea snake—or maybe it was an eel with a snake-like head. Either way, it was both fascinating and a little unnerving. After snorkeling, we spent a few hours on the beach. And yes, it was beautiful, but did I mention how insanely hot it was? We were practically roasting, but hey, it’s the Caribbean—what did I expect?

Six nights flew by in a blur of laughs, adventures, and probably a few too many desserts. We packed in so much fun that I swear we need a vacation to recover from this vacation. But hey, it was worth every minute. Already counting down the days until we can gather this crew together for the next family escapade—preferably somewhere with less heat and more air conditioning.

I think Tammy had a blast celebrating her birthday. Tracy had her birthday fun in Boston last year, so the bar's been set. Now, my 60th birthday is still six years away, which gives them plenty of time to plan something truly epic—like a trip to Italy. Maybe I'll wrestle a lion in the Colosseum or take a gondola through Venice without tipping over. Should be easy, right?