Dodging Humanity at the 2026 Minnesota State Fair

 

Dodging Humanity at the 2026 Minnesota State Fair

Todd Swank's Diary Entry for August 30, 2026

Friday night was fantasy football draft night at Steve “Cuds” Cuddihy’s house, and nobody commits to commissioner duties quite like Cuds. Every year he adds something new, and this time he designed new custom team logos and personalized our seats. Mine even featured a reminder of my glorious 2024 championship. Last year did not go nearly as well, but I had a feeling 2026 was going to restore the Crippled Monkeys to their rightful place on top.

Our auction-style draft takes more than three hours, which gives a room full of highly competitive adults plenty of time to overthink every bid and mess with each other’s heads. Half the strategy is knowing player values; the other half is convincing everyone else they’re making terrible decisions. Political correctness tends to fade as the night goes on, and the steadily flowing beverages don’t exactly improve anyone’s judgment.

I’ve been playing in this league for 20 years now, along with several of these guys who were there from the beginning. I’m glad Luke joined us a few years ago, even if he seems to get extra joy from outbidding his dad. This year I skipped most of the big-name spending and built a deeper roster than I usually do. Whether that was brilliant strategy or three hours of bad decisions remains to be seen. Either way, let’s go! Are you ready for some football?

Saturday we joined 198,841 of our closest friends at the Minnesota State Fair, where the basic plan is to eat things we’d never consider putting in our bodies anywhere else, get bumped into by strangers every 30 seconds, and somehow keep discovering sights that make you stop and say, “What the hell is that?” We love the whole ridiculous spectacle. The DNR fish pond is always one of my favorite stops. Apparently, I’m much more comfortable in a crowd when most of it is underwater.

Usually we snooker the boys into joining us or rope some friends into the adventure, but this year it was just my best girl and me. Luckily, Miss Sheri and I have very similar State Fair priorities: critters doing tricks, fried food on sticks, people-watching, wandering into buildings we’ve ignored for 20 years, and occasionally paying $14 for something we’d never buy anywhere else. Turns out we make a pretty good two-person fair team.

We got there early and made the Stunt Dog competition one of our first stops. Between dock diving and funky tricks, these dogs were ridiculous athletes. A few of them could launch themselves more than 23 feet just because somebody threw a stuffed toy. I’ve spent 56 years being offered money, praise, food and basic human approval, and I’m not sure any of it has ever motivated me to move that aggressively.

Another must-stop for us is the butter carving chamber in the Dairy Building, where Princess Kay candidates take turns having their heads sculpted while the poor artist spends hours trapped in a refrigerator. Miss Sheri and I debated what happens to all the leftover butter. I guessed it goes to the corn-on-the-cob booth, but they probably scrape all the facial shavings into a giant bucket labeled “Premium Fair Butter” and keep it around for emergency lubrication when somebody gets jammed halfway down the Giant Slide.

This year I read that Ye Old Mill is the oldest ride at the Minnesota State Fair, which immediately raised an uncomfortable question: how have we been coming here for more than 30 years and never even noticed it? Apparently we’ve spent decades walking right past a piece of Minnesota history because somebody nearby was selling something deep-fried. That feels about right.

Turns out we hadn’t been missing much. Ye Old Mill is basically It’s a Small World without the visuals. Most of the ride is so dark you can’t see your hand in front of your face, interrupted only by the occasional character that looks hand-drawn by a kindergarten class and mounted with Popsicle sticks. The darkness was actually pretty creepy, especially when the boat seemed ready to get stuck a couple times. For $5 each, I’m glad we finally did it. I’m also pretty sure we’re good for the next 30 years.

This year the Science Museum of Minnesota brought Ultimate Dinosaurs to the Fair, featuring 15 full skeleton casts, real fossils and some bizarre prehistoric creatures from the Southern Hemisphere. It was cool, although I’ve seen plenty of dinosaur exhibits by now. What makes them fun again is taking pictures with my phone and using AI to bring them to life, usually resulting in a brief Jurassic Park incident where nearby children become part of the food chain. Technology really has improved museums.

Our favorite booth of the day was visiting our euchre buddy Eric Pratt, who’s running for US Congress. I was excited to see him and immediately asked for a picture. Eric agreed, but only if we put “the pretty one in the middle.” For one glorious second, I thought he meant me. Then Miss Sheri stepped into position and reality came crashing back. Politics can be brutal.

Big week for the Minnesota Timberwolves!

@toddswank  🚨🐺 JONATHAN KUMINGA IS A MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLF!! Two years. $13 million. And Shams says he’s STARTING. AWOOOOOO! 🐺🔥 #Timberwolves #JonathanKuminga #NBA ♬ original sound - kivxr

The Twins, Vikings, & the Birthday Girl Who Outshined Them Both

 

The Twins, Vikings, & the Birthday Girl Who Outshined Them Both

Todd Swank's Diary Entry for August 23, 2026

Miss Sheri’s birthday week began Monday at Target Field with the boys and Abby, watching the Twins take on the Atlanta Braves. Abby is a Georgia girl and Braves fan, so for once we found ourselves on opposite sides of a fierce family rivalry. “Fierce” may be overstating it. None of us cares enough about baseball to let nine innings damage a perfectly good relationship. Our cheering was mostly polite acknowledgment that something had happened.

After a 45-minute rain delay, Luke Keaschall came out in his first leadoff at-bat of the year and promptly doubled down the line to start a four-run Twins first inning. That turned out to be all the scoring they needed. We left after six innings, but the Twins held on for a 4–2 win, even if we were not there to see the ending. Still, a fun night with the birthday girl.

Miss Sheri’s actual birthday arrived Wednesday, so we met Luke, Avery and Grandma Linda at Olive Garden for a proper family celebration. Somehow, for the first time in recorded Swank history, we forgot to take a family picture until we were walking out the door. Grandma Linda was in the potty and missed it. Still, she was there for the food, the birthday wishes and, presumably, the important stuff.

Fantasy football season is nearly here, so I met Steve “Cuds” Cuddihy for lunch and finally turned over the trophy I won two years ago. Steve became last year’s champion—for the first time in our league’s 20-year history—so I suppose he earned at least a few months with it. But next week’s draft starts the annual campaign to bring it home where it belongs.

Friday night, we had dinner with our good friends Doc and Portia Vogt before taking their boat out on Spring Lake. It was a beautiful night, made even better by the kind of spirited debates we always seem to have—covering everything from the important issues of the day to the things that make us laugh. The lake stayed calm. Our conversation did not.

As we cruised along, Mike spotted what looked like a seagull struggling to pull a huge fish from the lake. After watching awhile, he realized the bird was tangled in fishing line, with a large lure hooked in several places. So he jumped in, swam over and spent 10 minutes carefully freeing it. The seagull flew away looking ready for a full recovery. I was genuinely impressed. Every boat needs a guy who notices trouble—and is willing to jump in to fix it.

Saturday brought the Vikings’ first—and only—preseason home game against the Baltimore Ravens. It was such a beautiful day that U.S. Bank Stadium had the big doors open, briefly making it feel like Minnesota had built the world’s most expensive patio. Preseason football still mostly sucks, but it serves its purpose: the real games are only a couple weeks away, and for now every Vikings fan gets to believe this might finally be our year.

I got to spend the afternoon with my best girl, who debuted her new Andrew Van Ginkel jersey in style. None of the starters played, and most of the guys on the field may be packing their lockers in a couple weeks, but that did not stop us from delivering a full-throated SKOL chant and screaming our support. Vikings football is back, even when the Vikings are technically still auditioning.

Kyler Murray had been named the Week 1 starter a couple weeks earlier, so he spent this one in street clothes. That left us eager to see J.J. McCarthy, Carson Wentz and Max Brosmer. Quarterback was a genuine problem for the Vikings last year, and this might have been J.J.’s only chance to play at home all season. No pressure, kid—just an entire stadium trying to decide whether to believe again.

Unfortunately, it was not the J.J. McCarthy comeback performance we were hoping for. He uncorked a beautiful deep pass to Tai Felton, then missed Myles Price wide open in the end zone for what should have been an easy touchdown. He finished 5-for-10 before getting banged up again after just 18 snaps. We have seen this movie before, and Vikings fans are starting to wonder whether the sequel gets any better.

The 13–3 loss was ugly on offense, but the defense showed enough promise to keep the preseason optimism machine humming. The jury is still out on whether these Vikings will be any good this year, which is exactly where Vikings fans like it: equal parts hopeful, skeptical and irrationally ready to SKOL at full volume. The regular season cannot get here soon enough.

Sunday brought the final formal celebration of Miss Sheri’s birthday week: meeting the boys at the Launch Pad to whack some golf balls. Technically, it is just a driving range, which makes it perfectly suited to my golf retirement. My swing has not improved one bit since I quit the game, but I had fun, nobody had to hunt for a ball in the woods, and we got another afternoon together. That is a birthday party I can handle.

@toddswank JJ McCarthy had Myles Price WIDE OPEN for six… but apparently he tried to throw the football through him. 😂🔥 So close to a Vikings TD! #JJMcCarthy #MinnesotaVikings #SKOL ♬ Mind Blank - OTE

@toddswank 👀 COMING SOON… THE ALL-NEW MYSTIC LAKE 🎰✨ Opening night is going to look a little different. #MysticLake #MysticNext #Minnesota #comingsoon ♬ night vibe - skyfall beats

@toddswank We get albino squirrels in our yard quite frequently and I don’t know why. #nature #albinosquirrel #squirrels ♬ original sound - Todd Swank

The Minnesota Vikings Put Me on the Field. This Seems Like Poor Judgment.

 

The Minnesota Vikings Put Me on the Field. 

This Seems Like Poor Judgment.

Todd Swank's Diary Entry for August 9, 2026

Hard to believe it’s already football season, but apparently time doesn’t care what I think. So on Saturday, we headed to Eagan and the Twin Cities Orthopedics Performance Center to investigate. We had a pretty good idea what we’d find there, but we definitely didn’t know where the day was going to take us.

Of course, we were there for Minnesota Vikings Training Camp, our annual ritual to get a sneak peek at the returning veterans and new additions who will own our emotions for the next several months. Every August, hope is undefeated, the roster looks loaded, and this absolutely feels like the year they finally make the Super Bowl run they so richly deserve. Please don’t check back with me in January.

We’ve been Vikings season ticket holders for several years now, and I have to admit they take pretty good care of us. Four free training camp tickets, a couple free drinks, an air-conditioned room to escape the heat, and even an autographed player photo. Granted, it was a player who may not still be on an NFL roster by October, but I’m choosing to call it a collectible.

They even gave us four free passes to the Vikings Museum, which is pretty cool, although this was our fourth trip and shockingly the exhibits haven’t changed much. Minneapolis Miracle? Still miraculous. Purple People Eaters? Still purple. Moss, Peterson, Tarkenton? Still legends. And that giant Super Bowl trophy display I keep expecting to see? Still apparently under construction. I’m starting to think they may be waiting for us to actually win one before building it.

Luke, Avery, and Abby joined us for the day, which felt like a minor miracle all by itself. Getting all three of them free on the same Saturday isn’t easy anymore, so naturally I’m taking it as a sign. If the universe can pull that off, surely the Vikings can finally figure out the Super Bowl thing.

Then came the coolest surprise of the day. While checking in, I ran into someone I knew from the Vikings organization from our London trip. As we were talking, one of his colleagues suddenly asked, “Hey, how would you guys like to go on the field before practice and lead the SKOL chant?” I believe I said yes before he finished the sentence. Stand on the field in front of the whole crowd, throw my arms in the air, and scream SKOL at the top of my lungs? You had me at SKOL.

I’d love to say our SKOL chant shook the entire place, but honestly it was kind of a bust. We were off to the side with no microphone, so most of the crowd seemed to have no idea we were even doing it. By the end, maybe a quarter of them were following along. Not exactly the roar I had pictured in my head. Still, getting to stand on that field for a while was pretty damn cool.

Part of the fantasy of getting on the field is hoping somebody in the organization notices you and says, “Hey, we could use that guy.” I mean, look at these dudes. Big, strong, athletic... sure. But I feel like I could hang with them for a while. Maybe not physically, but conversationally I’d be a huge locker-room asset.

Pretty soon it was time to head back to our seats and let the actual football players have the field, which was probably best for everyone. I loved watching our favorites get ready for battle, especially Justin Jefferson. The guy just moves differently than everybody else. Even at practice, he somehow makes running around in 85-degree heat look ridiculously cool.

Of course, all the buzz surrounds the quarterback battle. Who’s going to win the job between Kyler Murray and J.J. McCarthy? I was hoping watching them go head-to-head in practice would give me some insider clarity. After carefully studying both of them for several minutes, I can confidently report that I still have absolutely no idea.

J.J. McCarthy has been a frustrating watch the past couple years, mostly because he’s spent so much time injured. We’ve seen flashes where he looks like a real NFL quarterback, and plenty of others where he looks like he just wandered into the huddle by accident. So I’ll admit I was pretty happy when the Vikings announced they were bringing in some real competition at the position this year.

The knock on Kyler Murray has always been his size, and seeing him on the field next to the other guys really drives it home. It’s like somebody’s little brother wandered into the team photo and then refused to leave. But I watched him with Arizona and remember plenty of great stretches. He’s quick, dangerous with his feet, and can absolutely sling it. Put that behind this offense and I’m pretty excited to see what happens.

I have faith in the “Quarterback Whisperer” Kevin O’Connell. Whoever he picks to lead this team Week 1, I’m convinced the Vikings are going to surprise a lot of people this year. Of course, I say some version of that every August, then spend January explaining why next year will be different. But this year really will be different. I can feel it. Which is exactly what worries me.

@toddswank Vikings Training Camp - August 8, 2026 #minnesota #vikings #trainingcamp ♬ original sound - Soul of Afrika

@toddswank Justin Jefferson is loading up for 2026! #minnesota #vikings #justinjefferson ♬ som original - DJ Monster

@toddswank Minnesota Vikings Trainig Camp 2026 #vikings #trainingcamp #nfl ♬ sonido original - Grandes Exitos

Spending the Afternoon with Caitlin Clark

 

Spending the Afternoon with Caitlin Clark

Todd Swank's Diary Entry for August 2, 2026

Thursday night, Sue and Ron Korkowski finally joined us for a cruise around Prior Lake. We had planned it two weeks earlier, but smoke from the Minnesota and Canadian forest fires turned the sky into something that looked better suited for a dystopian movie than a boat ride. This time the air was clear, the lake was calm, and we were ready to cruise like four people who had personally defeated Canada.

We used to take friends boating to kneeboard, tube, and see who could injure themselves first. These days we cruise slowly, watch birds, and admire the beautiful homes along the lake. The strange part is, nobody ever seems to be outside. Maybe once your house gets that nice, you’re too busy working to spend much time there. 

We cruise around stalking egrets, blue herons, and cormorants, pretending each one is a rare discovery instead of a bird we’ve seen a thousand times. Loons and bald eagles are the real celebrities, but neither showed up that night. So we followed this cormorant around like wildlife paparazzi. We may have seen him a hundred times before, but on this particular evening, he was magnificent.

For years, I’ve steered past this concrete mystery at the entrance to Candy Cove without knowing what it was. I finally did something brilliant and asked ChatGPT. Turns out it’s the remains of the old Candy Cove Dam, built in 1942 to protect Prior Lake’s water level because the cove’s porous bottom was apparently leaking the lake underground. Eighty-four years later, I solved the mystery without leaving the boat. Technology has finally justified itself.

There was a time I’d never miss the chance to jump off the boat, float with friends, and enjoy nature’s most convenient restroom. Now I weigh that against hauling myself up the tiny ladder and driving home with a wet swimsuit welded to my crotch. This night, the dry crotch won. Miss Sheri and Sue jumped in and apparently had a blast, while I stayed aboard feeling old, comfortable, and completely justified.

Saturday brought us back to the St. Croix River for another afternoon of sun, drinks, and questionable decisions aboard the Zitzewitz boat. We packed in friends, family, and enough personalities to make every seat feel like its own little reality show. No real agenda beyond cruising, laughing, and proving once again that nearly everything is more fun when somebody else owns the boat.

We joined the Zitzewitzes on the river last Saturday too, but Avery and Abby already had plans and missed it. Karl and Tina were kind enough to invite us back again so the kids could join the fun. That meant another afternoon on the St. Croix, more floating, and absolutely no complaints from us about doing it again.

Best of all, Aaron joined us for the day. It had been years since we’d shared a day of sun and fun with him, and he’s actually the reason we met the Zitzewitz family nearly 20 years ago through Cub Scouts. The boys spent the afternoon reliving old scouting stories, including the weekend we crawled through Eagle Cave among stalagmites, stalactites, and live bats. Apparently childhood trauma becomes comedy once everyone survives it.

It was much windier than the weekend before, so floating became a full-contact sport. We spent most of the time clutching the rope while the current swung us around and shoved us into waves big enough to slap the relaxation right out of us. It felt like tubing behind the boat, except the boat was parked and nobody had signed a waiver. Good times, assuming your definition of fun includes fighting a river for custody of your inflatable.

I told Karl and Tina that Facebook had recently reminded me how many couple photos I took of them over the years, so naturally we needed an updated version. Somehow they’re even cuter now, which is annoying because most of us are just trying to keep our faces from sliding off. Apparently marriage works when you combine love, laughter, and a boat large enough to escape each other occasionally.

Sunday brought us to Target Center for a WNBA showdown between the hometown Minnesota Lynx and Indiana Fever. Minnesota had won nine straight, Indiana five, and both were among the league’s best teams, so we knew we were in for a great matchup.

The whole thing was Krazy Kory’s idea, but he had to back out a few days before the game, so Miss Sheri and I went without him. We ended up in the front row of the upper-deck corner, which I was pretty happy about considering Target Center looked nearly sold out and my official Lynx status is somewhere between “occasional customer” and “who let this guy in?”

 

Of course, one of the biggest draws was getting to watch Caitlin Clark play again. She’s been Miss Sheri’s favorite player since about her sophomore year at Iowa, partly because Caitlin is an Iowa girl and Miss Sheri grew up there playing basketball through high school. This was probably our fourth or fifth time seeing her in person, so at this point I’m surprised Caitlin doesn’t at least wave.

The Lynx were plenty of a draw on their own, entering the game with the WNBA’s best record and rookie Olivia Miles looking like anything but a rookie. She poured in 28 points, including 14 in the second quarter, and ran the offense with the confidence of someone who clearly skipped the part where first-year players are supposed to look nervous. Caitlin may have brought the crowd, but Olivia made sure everyone learned her name.

Sophie Cunningham has been another of our favorite players the past couple years, but she recently made some comments suggesting boys and girls should probably stick to their own teams, and that went over in Minnesota about as smoothly as wearing a Packers jersey to a Vikings tailgate. Lynx fans booed her every time she touched the ball, which felt less like basketball and more like 16,000 people leaving the same angry voicemail. We still like Sophie, but apparently her newest advanced statistic is boos per touch.

Caitlin and her friends played tough, erasing a 14-point fourth-quarter deficit and pulling within two before the Lynx finally slammed the door, 108-100. Clark finished with 19 points and 10 assists, while Olivia Miles scored 28 and Courtney Williams added 27 as Minnesota won its 10th straight. Great game, great crowd, and proof that spending an afternoon with Caitlin is fun even when she barely acknowledges we’re there.