Todd Swank: Perform Like Nobody’s Watching (For Fish)

Perform Like Nobody’s Watching (For Fish)

Todd Swank's Diary Entry for March 9, 2025

I started the week in Baltimore for a couple of customer visits, which conveniently placed me right on the harbor—because if I’m going to talk business, I’d rather do it near seafood. Normally, I’d be out on my usual critter hunt, scanning the docks for anything with a pulse, but the only thing I spotted was my own reflection in a window, questioning my life choices. Between the cold and the lack of local wildlife, I mostly stuck to eating sushi and staring at boats I don’t own, which, if I’m being honest, is still a pretty solid way to spend a trip.

Funny how life works—back in college, I swore up and down that I’d never go into sales. Fast forward 30 years, and here I am, traveling to interesting places, meeting fascinating people, and convincing them why Oracle is the best choice. Turns out, I didn’t avoid sales—I just found a way to make it my entire personality.

This is the view from my customer’s office, and honestly, if I had to go into an office every day, this wouldn’t be a bad way to suffer. I’ve been working from home since before it was mandatory, and while I’ve mastered the art of taking meetings in pajama pants, I have to admit—staring at boats instead of my own reflection in a dark screen has some appeal. Still, let’s be real, I’d probably just end up daydreaming about owning one of those yachts instead of actually working, so maybe it’s best I stay in my home office where the only distractions are my own bad decisions.

I was supposed to go to the Timberwolves-76ers game with Avery, but this work trip popped up, so I handed my ticket to Miss Sheri—who then proceeded to see the Wolves win without me. Figures. While they were enjoying the game, I was in a Baltimore hotel, tucking myself in at an embarrassingly early hour because I had a 2 AM wake-up call to catch my flight home. So instead of watching Naz Reid dominate in the fourth, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, contemplating my life choices—like why I ever thought this schedule was a good idea.

I thought I was being a genius, booking a flight that would get me home by 7 AM so I could roll right into a productive workday—because nothing says sharp decision-making like zero sleep and airline coffee. What I didn’t plan for was Minneapolis deciding to welcome me back with one of the worst blizzards of the year. The turbulence was a thrill ride nobody signed up for, the flight attendants strapped in like we were going down with the ship, and we landed in total whiteout conditions only to sit on the runway for over an hour because our gate was blocked by a plane that couldn't take off because of the weather. By the time I got home, I was less focused on work and more focused on never flying again—until, of course, the next trip I book.

After surviving a brutal wake-up call, a turbulence-filled flight, and an hour-long runway hostage situation, I was finally rewarded with a car buried under a fresh layer of Minnesota misery. Since it was 50 degrees when I left, I figured parking outside was no big deal—because apparently, I learn nothing. At least I had an ice scraper, but when the wind chill is trying to kill you, that’s like bringing a spoon to a sword fight. One of these years, I’m moving south—right after I regain feeling in my hands.

Miss Sheri and I checked out the Minnesota Zoo’s brand-new sea lion show, which was short but packed with enough cuteness to make you forget for a second that these animals are basically aquatic gym bros doing tricks for snacks. The trainers claim they’re “gregarious,” which is a nice way of saying they have zero shame about working the crowd for fish. Honestly, it was fun, but for how much effort these sea lions put into the performance, I feel like they should at least get some steak.

I’ve been going to the Minnesota Zoo for decades, and Discovery Bay used to be the crown jewel with its dolphin show—until it turned into an absolute heartbreak factory. One after another, the dolphins faced tragic fates, from mysterious illnesses to freak accidents, until the zoo finally shut the whole thing down in 2012. For years, the once-thriving tank just sat there, a ghost town of what used to be. Now, they’ve brought in sea lions, and I’ve got to say—they know how to put on a show. Slick moves, big personalities, and a solid reminder that sometimes, the encore is just as good as the original act.

Since our zoo membership is about to expire, we figured we’d take one last stroll before letting it lapse—because nothing says "money well spent" like paying to watch animals sleep. Most of our favorites, like the bears, were still deep in hibernation, but we did stumble across these shaggy, long-haired boars that I’m pretty sure just wandered out of a 1970s folk festival. I don’t know if they’re new or if I’ve just been walking past them all these years, but either way, it’s good to know that if I ever need a backup plan, growing out my hair and living off the land is still an option.